for people who don't apologize for their size
AUNT AGONY
Welcome, dear readers. This is your Friendly Fat Advice Columnist.
In England, yours truly would be called an agony aunt, so you may
call us Aunt Agony. Aunt agony will answer any questions you ask.
She
has opinions about everything.
If you want to seek Auntie-s advice, just make keyboard tippy-tappy
in the space provided, and she-ll get back to you tout de suite.
Dear Auntie:
Whenever I flirt, I never know how to follow up with the next step.
Even if I get a phone number, I don't call.
How can I stop procrastinating?
Nerveless
O, Lacker of Nerves:
Ahhh, the joys of procrastination - that lovely
feeling of worthlessness, as you beat yourself up for being a
chicken; the tension as you argue with your telephone about who's
going to make the first move; the sweet depression that settles over
you as, alas, you give up one more time! GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!!
Some people may see being fat as a liability, but we do have our
advantages. For example, we make terrific pillows, and even better
float toys. Extra insulation also makes us great bed warmers. I'm
sure you'll be able to think of even more lovely qualities - the
possibilities are limitless. Auntie delights in reminding fatphobic
killjoys that those of us who are intimately familiar with rejection
are often very generous, passionate, and imaginative when we find
someone who really wants what we have to offer. If the fatphobes
aren't interested, it's their loss. Just the fact that someone is
flirting with you should tell you you're not hopeless, that you've
got something to offer. Capitalize on it! The other person is
probably sitting next to his or her phone, mired in the same deadly
treacle you are, and would just love to hear that phone ring!!!
Dear Aunt Agony:
All of my jeans wear out in the very same place - between my thighs.
I'm tired of spending all my money only to have pants wear out in two
months. What should I do?
Bare Thighs
Dear Thighs:
Auntie has two suggestions: First, leather patches in strategic
places will not only wear better than cheap cloth, they'll feel
better, too. (Ooh, leather!)
Second, try spending more time engaged in activities that don't
require your thighs to meet.
Hey, Aunt Agony:
What's with all these heterosexual guys who keep coming on to me?
This happens daytime, nighttime, in all sorts of places. When I make
it clear that I'm not going to sleep with them, they call me a fat
bitch!
Not Available
Dear Not:
Auntie doesn't know what their problem is, but she's also noticed
that lamentable tendency. Some boys just have to be poor sports,
especially those whose brains reside in their nether parts. Take the
name as a compliment. Revel in it! It means you are a woman of
substance who knows what she wants and how to stand up for herself.
The next time someone calls you a fat bitch because you're off
limits, just turn to him, smile sweetly, and say, "That's right, and
you're very lucky you can't handle it!"